New Dimensions

     I must admit that for about the first 5 or six weeks here, I struggled between feeling at home and feeling the part of an outsider. I hurry to say that is not due to any lack of feeling accepted or wanted. My family has welcomed me as a daughter and sister and I know that their concern and love for me began before I even arrived. Nor is it that I am unused to being in a latino church...I attended one for almost a year in college. Let me tell you, I felt more at home in the small, beautiful fellowship that loved Christ and was composed of new believers who spoke Spanish, than in any of the several churches I visited where they spoke English.

     I think a part of me had difficulty completely feeling at home because I knew that this experience is a blessing that comes to me and I don't deserve it. This time here is something I would never have imagined that I would desire or be granted. Not too many years ago, I was the little girl that prayed God he wouldn't send her to other countries (at least not as a missionary) and begged Him that I wouldn't have to leave the States for long periods of time. Begged. And cried.

     Yet, God has a funny way of taking what you fear He'll ask you to do, and changing your heart so that what you feared becomes what you love.

     I find myself very much at home in Chile...but until recently part of me still felt an outsider. You want to know what I have discovered? There was still more grace in this journey that I was resisting. Grace to not feel ashamed to speak awkward, bumbling Spanish at times. Grace to know that even though I'm the only gringa in the church, and almost anywhere I go, that I'm welcomed and accepted even though I might not have the opportunity to know all of the brothers and sisters here. Grace to rest...grace to work. Grace given to me to enjoy this time and make the most of it because I did not earn a moment of it. I think that is of enormous value: learning to wholeheartedly embrace a gift that you have not earned and simply emjoy it and be thankful without seeking to justify why you've been given the gift or how to repay the giver.

      I like to recieve gifts. Who doesn't? But I think that sometimes, especially with very thoughtful or with very expensive gifts (expensive doesn't necessarily mean monetarily), it is hard for me to receive the gift for feeling self-concious and undeserving. The more I understand grace, the more I realize that it produces a child-like amazement where you're unashamed to stare open-mouthed in wonder...and then wholeheartedly plunge into enjoyment.

     Receiving grace, I've found, requires humility. Not the false humility that says, "Oh! I don't deserve this" and bemoans what the recipient lacks. Rather, embracing grace contains a humility that acknowledges the blessing is undeserved, but gratefully receives the generosity of the giver, trusting the giver, and knowing that it is a mark of love. That's where the issue hits bottom. With God, we may not understand why He loves us, why He saved us, but we eventually we must accept that He chooses to do so.

       Outside of walking in grace, we are never secure in the blessings that are given to us in life because we always fear that at some point they will be taken away from us. We become greedy and possessive. Perhaps in trying to hold onto what we have, we lose the real significance and enjoyment of it, and we certainly lose sight of the love, benevolence, and faithfulness of the giver. Instead of trust there is suspicion that they are witholding something from us or waiting to watch us make a mistake so they can take away the good gift they gave.

     These are simply some musings on aspects of grace...some of them a reminder of things already learned, others applying lessons in a new way. All I can say is that God is so faithful and that He gently teaches us (and sometimes not so gently) that our hope is found in Christ alone and that His Gospel is one of grace that changes us from the inside out.